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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828952">I won't say (I'm in love)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerlegend/pseuds/gingerlegend'>gingerlegend</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Welcome to Night Vale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, M/M, No Beta, fluffy angst; angsty fluff, spoilers for later years</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:15:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,030</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828952</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerlegend/pseuds/gingerlegend</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Carlos was reluctant to get together with Cecil until after his first year. A fic about that, from his point of view. Contains: social science, lying to oneself, scones, beings that aren't angels (because angels don't legally exist), lunch with the other scientists, the memory of an unrequited crush, and a near death experience. And a flirtatious radio host. Of course.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Carlos/Cecil Palmer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Scientist</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nothing he had been through before he moved to Night Vale could have prepared Carlos for the craziness of this place. Night Vale prepared him for more Night Vale, and that was all there was to it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Carlos had been in several short-lived relationships before he moved here, and if he was honest with himself, part of why he moved to Night Vale was to start fresh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luckily, he wasn't honest with himself. He could pretend it was all about the science, and not about wanting to avoid awkward encounters with his latest ex at his job. There was a reason he didn't contact anyone at the University of What It Is after he arrived, and that may have been it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But only if he were honest with himself. Which he wasn't.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carlos had hoped that Night Vale would be a safe haven for his heart. It probably would have been, if not for Cecil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cecil Gershwin-Palmer. Radio Host. Hopeless romantic. Total idiot. Wise beyond his years. Older than he looked, younger than he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cecil had greeted him personally. He had smiled, and Carlos fell in love instantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he pretended to be oblivious to Cecil's flirting, even though he could hear Cecil's descriptions of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted to have a reason not to let himself love Cecil. Surely there was something wrong with the man. It seemed like Carlos always fell for men whose flaws were in direct opposition with Carlos's needs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he did some research. The social sciences were never his favorite to research in the past. Too much data, not enough formulas. A high margin of error, and only a few opportunities to sit and go "hmmmm" while machines whirred.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he needed to research Cecil. Emotions were often helpful in life, but science often suffered from too many biases.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He began to collect data, not bothering to be secretive about it. If the Secret Police took an interest in his research, they probably had their ways of obtaining the information.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Carlsberg</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Carlos goes to the one man who Cecil hates with every fiber of his being. He doesn't know what he expected Steve Carlsberg to be like, but this was definitely not it.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was obvious where to begin his research. The man who Cecil seemed to hold a grudge against, Steve Carlsberg. Steve probably knew something about Cecil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, you must be Carlos!" Steve said when he answered the door. "Cecil talks about you all the time!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He's told you about me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not personally, of course. He and I don't talk much. But if there's one thing I know about Cecil, it's that he talks to the entire town! On the radio! Almost constantly!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Carlos couldn't tell if there was any bitterness in Steve's words. He had trouble with that sometimes, with reading body language or picking up on subtext.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you know why he's always so… angry at you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It really wasn't. Carlos didn't have enough information to come up with any hypotheses. If Steve didn't even know, what did that say about Cecil.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Since you came all the way here, would you like some scones? I made a few batches more than we were able to sell at the PTA bake sale."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cecil had mentioned Steve's scones before. He claimed that they were too dry, but perhaps a little taste test would be beneficial to Carlos's research. If the scones weren't too dry, Cecil's hatred toward Steve likely clouded his judgement regarding anything Steve ever did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll try one," he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve led him through the house, to the kitchen. There was a box full of scones on the counter. Carlos got the feeling that no one even bought any scones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tried one. It </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> dry, but scientifically speaking, it wasn't too</span>
  <em>
    <span> dry</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The flavor benefited from the dry texture, and Carlos pitied everyone who refused to eat them because of Cecil's description of the scones.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's very good. You know, cooking is a lot like science, so I can easily dismiss the rumors of it being too dry using science."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve's expression lit up, but he laughed it off. "No, it's fine! They </span>
  <em>
    <span>are </span>
  </em>
  <span>a bit dry."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Carlos left Steve's house feeling just as uncertain as before. Cecil wasn't wrong about the scones, but he wasn't right either. Carlos could only conclude that Night Vale was a town full of contradictions.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Ortiz</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Carlos continues to search for a reason-- ANY reason-- not to date Cecil.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Having had no luck with the man Cecil held a grudge against, Carlos went to the woman Cecil had a fondness for. Old Woman Josie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked through Old Town Night Vale, through the Sand Wastes, through the Scrublands, and he even passed </span>
  <span>by your house, vacant for several months now. You no longer lived there. You no longer lived anywhere. You no longer lived.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Josie, you have a visitor!" an angel said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Carlos was careful not to acknowledge the angel as he waved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another angel opened the door, and Carlos nodded at it, ignoring its existence while still expressing appreciation for the help.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, this is a surprise," Old Woman Josie said, looking up from a crossword puzzle she was working on. "Carlos the Scientist, here to visit me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Carlos smiled. "I'm confused about something— no, conflicted— and I thought it best I ask you about it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, I don't know how helpful I'll be, but I can certainly try."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Um, tell me about Cecil. I'm, uh, gathering data. About him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Josie smiled knowingly, and Carlos worried that she would sugarcoat her description of him. Everyone in town knew about Cecil's crush, but Carlos was afraid of letting anyone know it was mutual. (</span>
  <em>
    <span>Because it isn't,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Carlos added to his thoughts.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He's a good kid, that Cecil. Erika can attest to that. So can Erika and Erika, if you want."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'd rather hear the opinions of those I can legally acknowledge. It's difficult to document the legally nonexistent, especially in scientific reports."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He smiled, hoping he didn't come across as rude.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah, I get it. Well, Cecil isn't exactly an expert bowler, but he knocks down most of the pins, if you know what I mean."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Carlos wasn't sure he understood, so he was grateful when Josie explained herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I do mean that he's competent at bowling."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What else do you want to know about him?" she asked. She seemed to know what else Carlos wanted to know about Cecil, but was too afraid to ask.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No, that's all. It was nice meeting you, Miss Ortiz."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Please, call me Josie."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Josie. I should get going. The other scientists wanted me to meet them at Tourniquet for lunch."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, stop on by anytime."</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <em>
    <span>The one time I'm hoping for opinions rather than objective facts,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Carlos grumbled silently in his thoughts.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Harlan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lunch with the scientists followed by a heartfelt conversation with a childhood friend of Cecil's (and the most detail i've put into any of this fic so far).</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Is your private research going well?" Luisa asked.<br/>"Just fine," Carlos lied, blowing on his soup to cool it down a bit. "How's your research?"<br/>"I'm thinking of moving on from my current project. I could get a better grant if I start researching the effects of disapproval on potatoes, and I could definitely use the boost in my paycheck."<br/>Mark nudged Luisa and pointed at his sandwich. "Look at that specimen!"<br/>"Intriguing," Luisa said, now distracted by the scientifically interesting meal Mark had ordered.<br/>"How's your research, Nilanjana?" Carlos asked.<br/>"Same old, same old."</p><p>The scientists were quiet for a bit. Mark finished off his fascinating sandwich while Luisa waved for a waiter.<br/>"My compliments to the chef," she said.<br/>"You only took one bite, ma'am," the waiter said.<br/>"Not everyone eats their food quickly."<br/>"Hey," Carlos said, "the chef here is a friend of Cecil's, right? Is he busy?"<br/>"I think they were friends in high school," the waiter said. "You can come talk to him if you'd like. He's been isolating himself a bit lately."</p><p>Carlos followed the waiter to the kitchen, where the chef was reading a book with no pages.<br/>"Aren't you supposed to be cooking right now?" Carlos asked.<br/>"I do that after we close up," the man said, not bothering to look up. Carlos couldn't see his face under his messy black hair. "That way if anyone complains, I'll know before I have to make their food."<br/>Time doesn't work here, Carlos reminded himself, not for the first time nor the last time. "You know Cecil, right?"<br/>Earl looked up from the empty book and nodded stiffly. "Yeah. He was my best friend in high school."<br/>Carlos couldn't possibly miss the man's melancholic tone of voice. He had deep frown lines on his face, and he stared with his dark brown eyes, taking in Carlos's appearance. He looked like he hadn't slept much recently.<br/>"Why do you ask?"<br/>"Uh, I just—"<br/>"He talks about you a lot, you know."<br/>"It's hard not to know that."<br/>"I liked him more than he liked me," Earl mused, absentmindedly scratching at a scar on his left wrist. "I wonder if he ever noticed… I wonder how he felt when I ceased to exist for a while…"<br/>"What?" Carlos hadn't expected this sort of exposition.<br/>"I loved him, but I know he didn't love me back. I don't think I hold it against him. He couldn't help his lack of feelings, just as I couldn't help the presence of mine."<br/>"Are you alright?"<br/>"Sorry, I've just been going through a lot. I don't know why I'm back, and I don't know what my own son's name is. I don't even know how I have a son. Is he adopted? Did I have a girlfriend at some point?"<br/>"I'm sorry, I don't know. I could try to find out scientifically."<br/>"No, that's okay. Anyway, he cares about you, and I hope you return his feelings. I want him to be happy, Carlos."<br/>Carlos realized suddenly that he hadn't introduced himself. He also realized that Cecil had described him in enough detail that any listener was able to recognize him. He blushed.<br/>"He's a good man, Carlos. And he likes you a lot. He doesn't normally get this attached to new people. Consider yourself lucky." Earl smiled, but it made him look more tired than before.<br/>Carlos hesitated. "I…"<br/>"It's fine. No need to reply."<br/>Carlos left Earl to his book. He found his answer, but he wasn't ready. Maybe someday.<br/>… definitely someday.<br/>But for now, he had other things to worry about. There was still a tiny civilization that fascinated him. He'd focus on that for the time being.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Notes:<br/>This fic literally started as an excuse to describe Earl Harlan the way I imagine him (but it definitely became much more than that). Specifically, I imagine him looking like he's in his 40s or 50s, tired as fuck, and (as described in this fic) with black hair and dark brown eyes. There's no way that he's a redhead or a twink. Have you HEARD the way Wil Wheaton voice acts him? Clearly just a tired bisexual who wonders about what could have been and about what currently is. Anyway, that's my complaint about seemingly universal headcanons in this fandom.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Gershwin-Palmer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After nearly being killed by the tiny civilization under the Desert Flower Bowling Alley, Carlos prepares to make his move. He' decides that maybe he IS ready for a relationship.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Carlos had nearly died already. His previous worries seemed so small in comparison to that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The residents of the tiny city had misunderstood his approach and attacked him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was done being afraid to be happy. He was done regretting his relationship with his coworker, who convinced him to stay at the University that one day. The day he nearly drowned in a phantom ocean. He was over it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was so far from those days, from those places now. He was in Night Vale. He was in love with an idiotic flirtatious, ancient, young radio host, and he wasn't afraid anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Night Vale was a place, but it was a place he was learning to love.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Cecil didn't talk about himself a lot on the radio. As much as he tended to overshare (which was something Carlos could relate to), he mostly talked about other people rather than himself. The most he'd talked about himself was when he was reminiscing about his college days, when he took a trip to Europe, and even then he didn't say all that much about himself that wasn't completely objective, recounting memories, mentioning who he may have traveled with, and his thoughts on those he encountered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Cecil did seem trustworthy. He wasn't someone who Carlos would recommend telling a secret to, but he trusted Cecil with people's emotions. Carlos trusted Cecil with his own feelings. Perhaps he should talk to Cecil now. Perhaps he should tell Cecil how he felt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dialed Cecil's number.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am calling for personal reasons," he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he was ready for this. He was ready to leave his bad experiences behind him. The University of What It Is… the phantom ocean… Anything from before he came to Night Vale. He'd never have to think about it again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was reassuring, even if it was slightly misguided.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Today's proverb: How do I love thee? Seriously, can you help me describe it? I'm trying to make a list but all I'm coming up with is that one emoji with the hearts for eyes.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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